I’ve been doing deep spiritual soul work lately and my relationship with my daughter is at the forefront of my spiritual growth. I’ve recently connected to my role as a mother as the most important role I can have in my life. There is nothing more important than raising a child. As I have spent time looking elsewhere to fill my spiritual cup and learn the life lessons I need to pull myself through the unlearning process of all of the illusions I was convinced to believe growing up. My daughter has taught me more than any church, any god, any spiritual journey, any spiritual teacher or any plant medicine ever could.
I have recently been able to quickly put my daughter back to sleep by holding and cuddling her instead of nursing, she night weaned 9 months ago and I’ve had to sleep away from her in order to keep her from wanting to nurse in the night. Now I can sleep in bed with her again without nursing in the night. It is so beautiful. She’s almost 3 years old and I look back on our nursing journey with a strong sense of gratitude. I was born and raised in the most conservative part of the country, was not around breastfeeding women, was raised to believe formula was normal, was also raised to think of breasts as sexualized objects and still here I am at nearly 3 years nursing my daughter.
Proudly at that! I don’t cover myself when I am out in public and I pull out my boobs whenever she wants to nurse in front of anyone. I don’t do it to make a statement. I do it to normalize it. I do it to show that for centuries women have pulled out their boobs and shown their skin to anyone around in order to feed their children, to connect with their children. I believe it is my responsibility to normalize and let anyone and everyone see me confidently nurse. This is the only way that we can create a culture of mamas who aren’t being shamed or feel uncomfortable for a normal biological function. No matter what part of the country we live in, breastfeeding is what babies need.
I started my own breastfeeding journey about 25 minutes after I birthed Maya. I wasn’t scared but I had so many strong feelings after her birth. I held her in my arms and knew that she would somehow find my darkened nipples and suck on them until she got the nourishment that she needed. I knew intuitively that I didn’t need to time her feedings or try to calculate how much she was eating. I trusted her that she would nurse enough to get exactly what she needed. And she did. All babies have this capacity when we leave them undisturbed to nurse and let the body adjust to the milk volume it needs for the baby. Within reason of course, there are some who need more support.
I knew long before I became pregnant with her that if I ever had a baby I would breastfeed, I didn’t see any other way. I had been on my journey to eating whole organic foods and knew that formula was completely out of the question. I would get donor milk. So after she was born I had a moment of fight or flight; my baby has to nurse or she is going to die, there is not other way. You have to little one.
It was a very intense feeling and I trusted her as I had trusted birth. I let her chose to nurse undisturbed. And she knew exactly what to do. It was the second most beautiful thing I had ever seen aside from her coming out of my vagina and into my arms. I am grateful for my undisturbed birth and undisturbed postpartum period and I am so grateful I didn’t have anyone breathing down my neck waiting for her to start nursing or telling me what I could or should do. Nope, I had none of that. It was purely intuitive, biological & spiritual bliss. We were all in a different universe. I took her upstairs and laid down with her in bed and nursed for days before we got up. It wasn’t easy, my nipples hurt so much and there was so much milk everywhere but it was perfect.
Fast forward to nearly 3 years and we have such a different and wonderful nursing experience. Once we got through the all night nursing sessions that would keep me awake and drive me to the edge of my own sanity I recovered and night weaned her. There were nights I thought I was dying from lack of sleep. I knew it was all part of my learning curve and with the right support I would make it through. We did of course and I learned so much by being pushed to that edge. I’ve cried and cursed nursing…. I’ve been low and confused and felt really depleted. It’s normal. It doesn’t mean we have to stop, it means we have to reach out to our community for support.
I love nursing her now. When I am nursing Maya we melt into each other. We look deep into each other’s eyes, and we truly and deeply see each other. She sees me like no one has ever seen me before. Our profound connection brings me back to the present moment. Every time I gaze upon her I think she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It’s moving. I like to run my fingers through her hair and hold her close. I know she feels close and safe. She looks at me when she is nursing as if to say that she is at home, that she feels peace.
We connect on many levels when she’s nursing, her little hands grab my hair or my other nipple. (which BTW is not my favorite thing in the world but I wasn’t able to break her habit early on so I get my nipple tweaked a few times a day) We even share dreams together when we sleep together sometimes. I have never felt my heart radiating love so much as I do when I lay down with her and connect.
Nursing is comforting for her when she is feeling big emotions; it helps her to regulate them. It is also comforting when she has physically hurt herself and needs support. She nurses to sleep in the comfort of my arms and the bed we share together and I know that I am supporting her emotional wellbeing by continuing our breastfeeding relationship. Breastfeeding is also really beneficial for the mama too, it lowers the risks of cancers, heart disease, diabetes……It’s really a powerful thing to be feeding your child with your body. Many times I have thought about weaning her altogether and then I’ll lay down with her and feel her sweet little heart and know that she isn’t ready yet. If she were she would let me know. I am following her lead and will wean when she is ready.
I am feeling so much right now, so much gratitude to all of my friends who have supported me through the challenges I have faced nursing. You know you are. It’s been on my mind a lot lately because I have been so in awe of my own body, a body that I have had a tumultuous relationship with. I body I am growing to love so much after having my daughter. She has helped me see my own beauty and my own light. She has helped me to trust my intuition and to trust nature and most importantly to trust myself.
There is a lot of arguing in the media about breastfeeding. It’s so silly to me. I wish we had more personal stories about relationships and journeys that women had been on rather than blaming and shaming each. I would have loved to have more personal accounts of women’s breastfeeding experiences.
I feel very fortunate to have grown up and not seen women breastfeeding and yet have such a strong breastfeeding relationship with my daughter. I hope that when my daughter is nursing her children it will be much more normalized than it is today. I would love to see women carrying and nursing their babies out of the house and nursing in restaurants without covers. When we went to Central America last year I was surprised to see so many young mothers who were in their teens nursing with no shame on the bus, walking, eating, etc. I saw more women nursing in Nicaragua in one day than I ever have seen in the states.
If anyone is curious to hear more of my breastfeeding journey or if you need any support through yours please feel free to reach out and connect. We couldn’t make it in this world without each other, without our community.
Much Love,
Sarah
I have a few of my favorite links to breastfeeding below if you are interested in further reading.
http://kellymom.com/ages/older-infant/ebf-benefits/