There is this article going around the internet called 10 lines you can use to defend rape culture. While it has good points, it seems to be used by those who are perpetuating the same culture they don’t support. It seems to be geared towards anyone who choses compassion on the side of the the victim and perpetrator. I am seeing this argument being used with many of my male friends on Facebook when they openly come out as perpetrators and ask for forgiveness. They are met with hostility and anger and blame. Anyone who attempts to find compassion for everyone involved gets labeled a rape sympathizer. I find this very difficult to engage in any conversations about this very big and important topic. So instead of focusing on the problem as many seem to do, I want to share some of my solutions when it comes to raising children (since this is my area of focus) to ending the perpetuation of rape culture instead. By changing the way we interact and raise our children we can change rape culture through future generations.
- Stop cutting children's genitals, boys and girls. Period.
- Learn about trauma and shame and how we inadvertently perpetuate it with ourselves, loved ones, and children when we do not understand it. Be the change to end the continuation of passing on trauma through the future generations.
- Don’t sexually or physically assault your children or anyone for that matter.
- Don't use power and control tactics to manipulate and dominate your children.
- Recognize your triggers and work towards healing them. Hurt people hurt people.
- Call out those who have hurt you, not to vilify them but to help bring it to light that they need support getting help for their actions. Perhaps they do not recognize that they have wronged you because off their own conditioning. Help them understand and bring it up.
- Don’t suffer in an unhealthy relationship and let your children watch you be talked down to, manipulated, abused, unloved, You children will thank you for getting out of a toxic relationship instead of staying in one for the “sake of the children." Our children learn from our modeling how to be in relationships and treat other men and women. Please get help if you are in a toxic unhealthy relationship.
- Stop using the term “good girl” with our children. Good girls are people pleasers and often struggle with boundaries. Instead model behavior for our children where they feel safe questioning and speaking their truth.
- Don’t shame girls for puberty and menstruation. Celebrate it! Create ceremony around this incredible transition. Damning a girl and her menstruation will only cause more shame and trauma around sexuality and reproduction.
- Teach our girls that as much as we wish it wasn’t so, there are predators out there and they need to be cautious. A good reason not to be nice all the time.
- Have all girls read Women Who Run With Wolves when they approach puberty. Lives will be transformed.
- Teach our boys that women are sacred creatures that will change their lives forever if they treat them with respect. Model respect for your boys so they know how to respect women.
- Stop laughing at jokes that your buddies tell that dehumanize women. “Check out those tits!” “Hey, thats inappropriate to talk about that woman in that way. I don’t support that kind of talk/behavior and I don’t want to interact with you if you use that kind of language. It’s dangerous and makes me feel uncomfortable. Would you say that about your mother?"
- Only allow your kids to watch shows that have positive role models when it comes to gender and respecting each other. Stop watching shows that portray women as small and dumb or husbands as small & dumb for that matter. Most modern day television shows do not portray masculine/feminine polarity in a healthy way. We can't expect that system to change so we must take it upon ourselves to manage what are kids are exposed to. And if we are watching these shows that degrade men or women then what kind of example is that setting?
- Wipe boys will be boys saying out of your vocabulary forever.
- Stop forcing gender stereotypes and let your kids be themselves. When we force our kids into a role sometimes they feel they do it out of pressure. So maybe your kid doesn’t want to wear bows, totally cool, or maybe they do also awesome. Maybe your boy wants to be a princess for halloween? It doesn't mean anything expect that he is curious and playful. Let it be and respect their autonomy and their choices.
- Connect our children with nature from the beginning. Help them to understand natural rhythms and parts of life, to help them create an appreciation for nature and for life in general.
- Birth on your own terms! It begins at birth. When woman and families feel powerful in their bringing their children into the world the world changes period. Sadly, the majority of women experience trauma in birth because of how much it is disturbed even by those "medwives" who say they support natural birth. What if we let go of the term natural and say we want to birth on our own terms? When we feel diempowered, taken advantage of, or even violated in birth how can we model positive roles for our children? There is such a thing as birth rape. And if this has happened to you, please pursue the doctor who wronged you. Just because a doctor with a fancy expensive degree cuts your vagina without your permission doesn't mean that it absolves them of any consequences. If someone does something to you without your permission.....vaginal exam, episiotomy, forced c-section or coerced c-section, injection of drugs etc....this is not ok. And we have to use our voices to speak out against this system that oppresses women and families. There are many women who have filed lawsuits against their doctors for cutting them against their will and won. We have to change the way we birth.
- If you are attracted to someone in public, admire them silently unless permission arises for you to speak to them. Don’t call them names, tell them to smile, creeper stare at them, rape them, touch them. If you have thoughts then keep em to your damn self. It is not ok to yell out to someone your innermost thoughts about them unless you have permission.
- Instead of complementing our kids on their looks focus on their actions and abilities. Instead of good job! How about, you are so strong and have amazing balance. Lets spend more time playing outside.
- Feed yourself and your kids real food. This one is going to be long and can be controversial because I am sure I have many friends who don’t agree with the organic whole food thing. It’s for real and the chemicals in our environment and food are harming us significantly. The water that we drink is mostly poison and we are inundated with heavy metals on a regular basis. I will link a study below. There have been studies that have shown that people incarcerated who have committed violent crimes have higher levels of heavy metal toxicity in their bodies, especially lead. Now that isn’t an excuse or the sole reason but heavy metals can skew with our brain functioning and empathic abilities to the point that violence is normalized. Just one thing to consider, reduce the amount of heavy metals that come into your body and create better overall health. All of it is related, physical and mental and spiritual health.
- Stop normalizing violence! It’s not ok for our young kids to be comfortable with seeing graphic violence on tv and in video games. We have to monitor what our kids see and model positive shows and games for them.
- Help our kids to see positive sexual influences in tv, movies etc. Positive sexuality, loving sex, consensual sex. How can our children grow up with good models when they listen to songs like “blurred lines” by robin thicke??? I mean seriously! What an asshole.
- Positive music! Not shaming and degrading music.
- Stop pretending like sex doesn’t exist. Teach our kids about sacred sexuality and consent when it comes to any sexual act. When we make it taboo it becomes more unhealthy for our kids. If we pretend that it isn’t happening then our kids cannot learn how to engage in a healthy way when they are ready.
- All teens should have coming of age ceremony to celebrate their traditions positively and without shame. We need more initiation in our lives.
- All kids should be required to learn about sacred sexuality and consent as part of educational programs.
- Stop perpetuating man hating culture. You know exactly what that means. We all have a purpose and we all need each other. Empathy please.
- Have empathy and forgiveness. Those who have made mistakes will suffer the natural consequences of those mistakes and lets pray that they can learn and grow instead of being damned and shamed for life. Prison is not a place for growth. We need education programs to help those who have the desire to hurt others. Listen to NonViolent Communication.
Ok I have to stop even though I know there are more ideas and I could go on and on for days. But if I do that then this will not get published and non of you beautiful people could read it. If anyone has any suggestions or other ideas please share them with me! We have to start living our truths and living in authentic ways to create the next generation of peace and nonviolent communication. Thank you for following my blog. I will link some of my favorite resources for peaceful parenting as well as the study about violence and heavy metals below. Have a beautiful day! <3 Sarah
http://scholar.harvard.edu/files/jfeigenbaum/files/feigenbaum_muller_lead_crime.pdf
http://www.janetlansbury.com/
https://www.facebook.com/shonnielavendercoaching
http://www.ahaparenting.com/blog/Making_the_Transition_from_Conventional_to_Positive_Parenting
http://www.peacefulparent.com/the-peaceful-parenting-philosophy/
http://www.ahaparenting.com/blog/_punishment_shaming_children
https://www.romper.com/p/10-ways-youre-accidentally-shaming-your-toddler-50805