How To Pay For Your Birth Attendant

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You want to hire a midwife/birth attendant/home birth OB, whoever you chose to support you during your pregnancy, birth and postpartum. Step one: Find the perfect birth attendant for you and then hire them.

We do this work because we want to see a shift in our culture around birth. We want to remind women of their power. We want to take back birth and put it in the hands of the women and out of the hands of the patriarchal system. We do this work because it’s in our blood, it’s our calling. And we also have to support ourselves and our families. Birth work is not a hobby. It took serious dedication, training, time commitments, physical and emotional energy to be readied to serve clients. We work so incredibly hard for our communities and the families that we serve.

We carve time out of our lives for our clients. We literally create our schedule around our birthing mamas. We’ve gone to school, apprenticed, received huge amounts of training….all of which have cost us so much money and energy to come to this work. While it can be hard to talk about money, especially being in a position to ask folks for money…..IT’S CRUCIAL. My ENERGY is VALUABLE. My time is worth an IMMENSE amount. It’s important that our clients recognize us for what we bring to the table and to compensate us for that.

I can’t support my life as a birth attendant without being paid for the work that I do. I’m not going to be broke and spend countless hours in prenatal visits, all nighters supporting laboring mamas, time away from my daughter, sleeping half the day to make up for the all nighter. I am going to be well paid for this important work that I do. It is so important for us to be paid what we are worth and to support birthing mamas in our community. I have listed a few creative ways to pay for your birth attendant.

  1. Finance Your Birth

    Perhaps you are only able to put down the deposit for your birth attendant and need to finance the rest, or you know that you won’t be able to pay off the balance to your birth attendant before your baby comes and need some ideas for a payment plan.

    Paypal credit will allow you to do just that! If you cannot pay your birth attendant in full by the time your baby comes you can put it all on Paypal Credit and not pay interest if you pay off the balance within 6 months. Then with the credit you will pay off what you owe to the ones who gave you their sacred time.

    Set up a recurring payment with Square! is another option. This will allow you to make a recurring payment to your birth attendant and you can even set it up as a draft that is taken every month and sent to them.

    You can always set up a recurring payment through your bank. This way the amount is debited and sent to your birth attendant until the amount due is paid off. That way once the baby comes the $$ goes straight to them and you don’t have to think about a thing.

  2. Sell Your Stuff

    Have a yard sale, get on ebay, Facebook Marketplace, Craigslist and pair down your stuff to help pay for your birth attendant. This way not only are you paying for an incredible service you are also making more space in your home for when baby arrives. Decluttering and purging is a form of mediation that feels so so good. I promise, I purge on the regular.

  3. Ask For $$

    If you are in a bind and need support there is absolutely no shame in asking others for $$ to pay for the most important time of your life. You would ask your family to help with your wedding??!! Why not your birth, which is way more important. Ask your family, ask your friends, borrow money from a coworker, and even consider crowd funding your birth! Your birth is such an important time and we all know that who you chose to support you in your journey is going to effect your outcome. It’s important to chose someone that is perfect for you and believes in you and then pay them! <3

    Crowd funding has become increasingly popular for raising money for different life turn of events. GoFundMe is an excellent resource for funding your birth. I just googled Go Fund Me Home birth and there were pages and pages of families who have asked for generous support for their births and got it! GoFundMe is a wonderful platform for asking for funds without the asker required to give a gift in return. Or you can use another platform if you feel more comfortable giving a service or gift for anyone who donates to you. This one is called GoGetFunding.

These are my suggestions to you. I have personally used Go Get Funding before to help me pay for a training workshop and I was very pleased with how it turned out. My only other suggestion is to work on getting your head around the fact that it is our responsibility to pay those who serve us as our insurance options in this country mostly do not cover home births. Also a lot of providers chose not to accept insurance because of the hassle. The truth is that a lot of insurance companies don’t pay providers very well and the provider has to do all of the paperwork. The other truth is that anyone without a license cannot even accept insurance. Getting your head around the understanding that your paying your provider to support your through your journey is extremely important. Also with home birth providers we give continuity of care… which means that we are with you throughout your entire pregnancy, birth, & postpartum. You know who is going to be at your birth. You develop a relationship with us and we are the ones you trust you can count on. No other birth scenario (Hospital or Birth Center) provides women with continuity of care. Because those systems are not designed to do so. That is another huge part of what you are paying for. When you are grappling with your birth options and want to hire that amazing home birth midwife but wonder why it’s worth paying out of pocket for them really focus on what they will be offering you.

P.S if you have really fancy insurance you are still likely to pay more than a typical midwife ($4000) at the hospital because most of these newer policies have very high deductibles.

Another perspective. <3

Much Metta….. Sarah

****If you have any suggestions or questions about this article please send them my way.******

9 Reasons Why I Chose to Freebirth

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My daughter came to me in a dream 4 years before she was born. I was alone. I birthed her into the morning, the bathroom bathed in gorgeous sunlight and then lifted her from the water to greet her. Only she was a boy in my dreams. It was perfect. She was healthy and happy and I knew exactly what my body needed to do. I had not ever felt anything like that before, a knowing that my intuition and primal nature was in perfect alignment with my path.

 

The dream came during a time when I was still disconnected from my body, my femininity, and my intuition. I dreamt about this baby during a very stressful time of my life when my brother nearly died & was hospitalized. The events that lead up to this dream involved me trusting myself fully and listening to my intuition for the first time since I was a child. I had put away my empathic intuitive side early on. My brothers' near death experience helped me realize myself, as trusting my senses ultimately saved his life. Then entered Maya.

 

When I was pregnant with her this dream came back to me. I knew inherently that I would not birth her within the allopathic system and that it would be on my terms. That dream gave me confidence and connection to the birth process. The knowing I had was that if I could trust my intuition & my primal senses to help save my brother then why wouldn't I birth in a place where those senses were given space to be present & trusted?

 

 

9 Reasons For Choosing FreeBirth

1. My own birth. My mom had epilepsy and I was sitting breech in July of 1985. The plan was for me to come into the world via cesarean. So my mom went into labor around 41 weeks. They prepped her for surgery, gave her a spinal epidural to numb her & began. The epidural didn’t work. She felt most of the beginning of surgery. Even when she was screaming & telling the doctor she was feeling the pain, he didn't believe her. After a minute he realized she was feeling everything & had her put under. My mother was unconscious when I was born. I didn't meet my mom for some time until she came around. It was a pretty traumatic experience for both of us. I have felt that I've brought this experience into my life. I have had a distaste for authority and the allopathic system since I was a child. I have to believe that my trauma in birth was a huge factor in the mistrust, given how sensitive and empathic I am.

 

Though I had mistrust, I still participated in the allopathic system for a long time. It seems like nearly every time I have employed them to help me, I have had incredibly negative experiences. I've felt robbed, I've felt small, I've been degraded, I've felt violated,  I've been told I am making up my feelings, I've been threatened, I've been called names for speaking my needs,  I've waited for hours & felt completely unserved. I can only think of a couple of times I've used the allopathic system and felt really supported. The majority of my experiences have been shitty. This led me to changing my eating, learning about nutrition and herbal medicine, and ultimately making my own medicine and taking charge of my own health. I stopped giving away my power of knowing my body.

 

So when it came time for me to make choices about birth, I had zero trust for the hospital. The more I learned about the way the majority of women are treated in birth, the more I saw just how dangerous birthing in a hospital really is. The hospital is made for emergencies, birth is not an medical event and is rarely an emergency. I am grateful for hospitals in those events when birth becomes an emergency and then they support families when adverse situations arise.

 

I have cellular memories of being taken away at birth, away from my family, not able to feel my mothers heart beating, or the warmth of her skin, etc. My first seconds on this earth I was violated by the allopathic system and taken away from my life source, my mother. She had her baby taken away from her because she wasn't conscious at the time. Another big part of my trauma was that when I would search for midwives or for birth centers during my own pregnancy I saw so much fear of breech delivery. I would be risked out of many practices if my baby were in a breech presentation. Then I'd either have to birth alone or go to a hospital where the typical protocol for breech is an automatic cesarean!!!! Breach is not an emergency nor does it warrant an extremely dangerous major abdominal surgery. Most physicians give c-sections for breech babies simple because they are not trained in how to support a vaginal delivery. With all their med school education how is it possible that doctors are not being trained to handle a breech delivery, it's a variation of normal. I knew I would stay home if my baby was breech. My provider or myself would be trained to support a breech delivery..

 

2. The thought of giving birth in a hospital made me feel much more anxious and uncomfortable than the thought of staying home, even alone. I had many anxiety dreams during my pregnancy where I would be in the hospital having my power stripped away & I would get so angry. I would turn into a mama bear & fight back. The instinct and the wound from my own birth were so powerful I knew that I would just avoid getting myself into that position to begin with. I would stay home. No one would take my baby from me, no one would take my power from me. It was a really simple choice, I felt in my bones that staying home would bring me the most power and the most peace in birth.

 

3. I did not have a birth provider who I felt could truly serve me in birth. I am not against having a birth attendant, I am just very cautious when choosing someone to hold that space for me. It cannot simply be anyone just for the sake of having someone there. It has to be the right person who understands undisturbed normal physiologic birth & who completely respects me and my choices. At the time there was not anyone in my area who was free and could truly meet my needs.

 

In the future I now know many midwives who I would love to have be with me and hold space for me. There are too many midwives in my opinion that are very medical & can turn the home into a hospital.  Through my prayers and meditating I found that I was on the right path and that birthing alone was exactly what I needed in this birth with Maya. It was profound and healing. There was no one to tell me what to do, when to push, what position to assume, how to nurse etc. No one to scare me into thinking that co-sleeping is dangerous or that I could supplement if I needed.

 

4. I wanted to experience ecstatic birth hormones. The hormones of labor cascade flawlessly during an undisturbed birth. Those hormones help us to manage pain, keep us safe, and feel the joyous high that we do when we birth. They help us to bond and connect with our babies and help our milk production. When birth is disturbed these hormones aren't being released by the body in the optimal way we need them too. During the last moments when she was entering the world I felt time literally stop. I felt like I was in a safe bubble with people I loved around me, god, my ancestors, the light, the sun etc. I was protected and could feel ecstasy throughout my body. I was transmuted into a different realm when my daughter was born. It was the ultimate surrender and felt more powerful and full of life and confidence than I have ever felt before. Every single one of my cells was alive and radiating love. Of course I was exhausted and in shock from such a powerful and fast labor & also felt euphoria. My heart swelled and opened to a love greater than any I have ever known.


 

5. I didn't want to feel like a machine birthing on someone else's clock. I read Birth As An American Rite of Passage and was absolutely shocked. The way that women are treated like birth machines in the hospital is sickening. This book went through each of the typical inventions that babies and mamas experience in birth in the hospital. It opened my eyes to what the societal messages to newborn babies are. Machines and technology are ultimately better suited to take care of you than your own mother, than your own primal nature. You don't need your mother when we have these expensive technologically advanced incubators. The hospital model intentionally separates families. They are designed to create separation between baby and mama. This may sounds harsh but the system was designed to be misogynistic and to demean women and families. If they were helping to connect mama and baby then baby wouldn't be as easily controllable throughout their lives.

 

Birthing on a clock is just another part of how the hospital system works. There are rules that don't allow women to birth for so many hours, or have their waters open without being in labor for X amount of time. It's anxiety provoking. Why are those conditions in place for all women across the board? Why aren't treated more as individuals in birth? When I was at home I chose not to know any time. I didn't want to see a phone or a clock. It was surreal and beautiful to not be aware of time. It was as if time stood still and I was in an alternate reality.

 

6. The majority of the birth stories that I have read and heard were highly disturbing and traumatic. They helped me to learn what I did and did not want. They helped to shape my comfort level of what I was going to do in my own birth. I am so grateful for all the women who shared their birth stories and birth videos online for me to use as tools to understand what I did and did not want in my own birth. What I found was that a lot of women had really traumatic first births and then went on to have healing recurrent births. These stories really helped me to see what was the norm for a lot of first time moms and how to avoid those interventions.

 

7. I wanted my child to be born into love, not trauma. Traumatic births are hard on the babies too. A lot of babies experience unnecessary interference because of the fear projected by the provider. It's hard for them. It's already such a powerful and arduous journey that they make coming into the world. Why add any more trauma to their experience. All babies want is to be picked up by their mothers and loved. They don't need anything else but their mom. I wanted my child to not experience birth in the way that I did, through trauma. I didn't want my childs' birth to be one that they would need to heal from later on in life. I knew that this child would be very empathic like myself and that it was really important to make wise choices for my child. I recognized that things come up sometimes and though children aren't always born in peace they can work through their trauma early on. It was important to me to factor this into my decision making around birth. My 4 hour labor and birth was pretty traumatic in itself being so hard and fast. Yet it was incredible beautiful and healing. I picked my daughter up & we went straight to bed.

 

8. I've been giving away my power for so long I decided in my pregnancy that I wasn't going to do that anymore. There were too many times in my life when I did not listen to my intuition. There were times when I said yes and meant no or I said no but meant yes. I was a people pleaser. I grew up with the good girl mentality and didn't transition into puberty in a sacred way. My outlook on menstruation and childbirth was not a positive one. I saw my body changing as a curse. One that was shameful. I got on birth control early to "regulate my hormones." Which now I no is not possible and I now know the truth about birth control. I let those drugs take over my body & my femininity for such a long time. I deferred to men in relationships, in work situations, men in roles of authority because that was my conditioning. The deferring, the feeling small, giving away my voice and power, allowing the allopathic & education system to make choices for me felt really sickening.

 

Slowly over the past many years I've been taking back my power. I've started eating real food, taking charge of my health, making my own medicine, taking charge of understanding my fertility. I removed my IUD on my own one day. I was feeling numb, I didn't feel strong and feminine or empowered in my body. I was giving my power away to this device that took away my cycle. This device stole my menstruation from me. And did quite a number on my body. I felt like a woman for the first time in my life when I was no longer on birth control. And for the first time in my life I felt power and confidence through birthing my child completely on my own terms.

 

9. Birth Matters. Dr. Michel Odent writes lot about how our birth culture if altering the way women will be able to give birth in the future. High induction, chemical births, and high c-section rates can bring forth a culture where we no longer can give birth physiologically normal without assistance This is why it is so important for us to preserve this sacred experience. Birth is a transition for the mother and the baby. It's not something that happens to the mama and baby, it is a journey that they embark on together, birthing a child and birthing a new form of self. It can be incredibly healing, empowering, enlightening etc. It can bring us to see our true power. This rite of passage is being treated in our culture more like a machine factory production line than a shift into motherhood. Birth sets us up for life, it sets us up as parents.

 

<3 Sarah


 

 

 

What You Can Do When It Comes To Raising Kids To Stop Enabling + Perpetuating Rape Culture

There is this article going around the internet called 10 lines you can use to defend rape culture. While it has good points, it seems to be used by those who are perpetuating the same culture they don’t support. It seems to be geared towards anyone who choses compassion on the side of the the victim and perpetrator. I am seeing this argument being used with many of my male friends on Facebook when they openly come out as perpetrators and ask for forgiveness. They are met with hostility and anger and blame. Anyone who attempts to find compassion for everyone involved gets labeled a rape sympathizer. I find this very difficult to engage in any conversations about this very big and important topic. So instead of focusing on the problem as many seem to do, I want to share some of my solutions when it comes to raising children (since this is my area of focus)  to ending the perpetuation of rape culture instead. By changing the way we interact and raise our children we can change rape culture through future generations.

 

  1. Stop cutting children's genitals, boys and girls. Period. 
  2. Learn about trauma and shame and how we inadvertently perpetuate it with ourselves, loved ones, and children when we do not understand it. Be the change to end the continuation of passing on trauma through the future generations. 
  3. Don’t sexually or physically assault your children or anyone for that matter. 
  4. Don't use power and control tactics to manipulate and dominate your children. 
  5. Recognize your triggers and work towards healing them. Hurt people hurt people.
  6. Call out those who have hurt you, not to vilify them but to help bring it to light that they need support getting help for their actions. Perhaps they do not recognize that they have wronged you because off their own conditioning. Help them understand and bring it up. 
  7. Don’t suffer in an unhealthy relationship and let your children watch you be talked down to, manipulated, abused, unloved, You children will thank you for getting out of a toxic relationship instead of staying in one for the “sake of the children." Our children learn from our modeling how to be in relationships and treat other men and women. Please get help if you are in a toxic unhealthy relationship. 
  8. Stop using the term “good girl” with our children. Good girls are people pleasers and often struggle with boundaries. Instead model behavior for our children where they feel safe questioning and speaking their truth. 
  9. Don’t shame girls for puberty and menstruation. Celebrate it! Create ceremony around this incredible transition. Damning a girl and her menstruation will only cause more shame and trauma around sexuality and reproduction. 
  10. Teach our girls that as much as we wish it wasn’t so, there are predators out there and they need to be cautious. A good reason not to be nice all the time. 
  11. Have all girls read Women Who Run With Wolves when they approach puberty. Lives will be transformed. 
  12. Teach our boys that women are sacred creatures that will change their lives forever if they treat them with respect. Model respect for your boys so they know how to respect women. 
  13. Stop laughing at jokes that your buddies tell that dehumanize women. “Check out those tits!”  “Hey, thats inappropriate to talk about that woman in that way. I don’t support that kind of talk/behavior and I don’t want to interact with you if you use that kind of language. It’s dangerous and makes me feel uncomfortable. Would you say that about your mother?"
  14. Only allow your kids to watch shows that have positive role models when it comes to gender and respecting each other. Stop watching shows that portray women as small and dumb or husbands as small & dumb for that matter. Most modern day television shows do not portray masculine/feminine polarity in a healthy way. We can't expect that system to change so we must take it upon ourselves to manage what are kids are exposed to. And if we are watching these shows that degrade men or women then what kind of example is that setting? 
  15. Wipe boys will be boys saying out of your vocabulary forever. 
  16. Stop forcing gender stereotypes and let your kids be themselves. When we force our kids into a role sometimes they feel they do it out of pressure. So maybe your kid doesn’t want to wear bows, totally cool, or maybe they do also awesome. Maybe your boy wants to be a princess for halloween? It doesn't mean anything expect that he is curious and playful. Let it be and respect their autonomy and their choices. 
  17. Connect our children with nature from the beginning. Help them to understand natural rhythms and parts of life, to help them create an appreciation for nature and for life in general. 
  18. Birth on your own terms! It begins at birth. When woman and families feel powerful in their bringing their children into the world the world changes period. Sadly, the majority of women experience trauma in birth because of how much it is disturbed even by those "medwives" who say they support natural birth. What if we let go of the term natural and say we want to birth on our own terms? When we feel diempowered, taken advantage of, or even violated in birth how can we model positive roles for our children? There is such a thing as birth rape. And if this has happened to you, please pursue the doctor who wronged you. Just because a doctor with a fancy expensive degree cuts your vagina without your permission doesn't mean that it absolves them of any consequences. If someone does something to you without your permission.....vaginal exam, episiotomy, forced c-section or coerced c-section, injection of drugs etc....this is not ok. And we have to use our voices to speak out against this system that oppresses women and families. There are many women who have filed lawsuits against their doctors for cutting them against their will and won. We have to change the way we birth. 
  19. If you are attracted to someone in public, admire them silently unless permission arises for you to speak to them. Don’t call them names, tell them to smile, creeper stare at them, rape them, touch them. If you have thoughts then keep em to your damn self. It is not ok to yell out to someone your innermost thoughts about them  unless you have permission. 
  20. Instead of complementing our kids on their looks focus on their actions and abilities. Instead of good job! How about, you are so strong and have amazing balance. Lets spend more time playing outside. 
  21. Feed yourself and your kids real food. This one is going to be long and can be controversial because I am sure I have many friends who don’t agree with the organic whole food thing. It’s for real and the chemicals in our environment and food are harming us significantly. The water that we drink is mostly poison and we are inundated with heavy metals on a regular basis. I will link a study below. There have been studies that have shown that people incarcerated who have committed violent crimes have higher levels of heavy metal toxicity in their bodies, especially lead. Now that isn’t an excuse or the sole reason but heavy metals can skew with our brain functioning and empathic abilities to the point that violence is normalized. Just one thing to consider, reduce the amount of heavy metals that come into your body and create better overall health. All of it is related, physical and mental and spiritual health. 
  22. Stop normalizing violence! It’s not ok for our young kids to be comfortable with seeing graphic violence on tv and in video games. We have to monitor what our kids see and model positive shows and games for them. 
  23. Help our kids to see positive sexual influences in tv, movies etc. Positive sexuality, loving sex, consensual sex. How can our children grow up with good models when they listen to songs like “blurred lines” by robin thicke??? I mean seriously! What an asshole. 
  24. Positive music! Not shaming and degrading music. 
  25. Stop pretending like sex doesn’t exist. Teach our kids about sacred sexuality and consent when it comes to any sexual act. When we make it taboo it becomes more unhealthy for our kids. If we pretend that it isn’t happening then our kids cannot learn how to engage in a healthy way when they are ready. 
  26. All teens should have coming of age ceremony to celebrate their traditions positively and without shame. We need more initiation in our lives. 
  27. All kids should be required to learn about sacred sexuality and consent as part of educational programs. 
  28. Stop perpetuating man hating culture. You know exactly what that means. We all have a purpose and we all need each other. Empathy please. 
  29. Have empathy and forgiveness. Those who have made mistakes will suffer the natural consequences of those mistakes and lets pray that they can learn and grow instead of being damned and shamed for life. Prison is not a place for growth. We need education programs to help those who have the desire to hurt others. Listen to NonViolent Communication. 

Ok I have to stop even though I know there are more ideas and I could go on and on for days. But if I do that then this will not get published and non of you beautiful people could read it. If anyone has any suggestions or other ideas please share them with me! We have to start living our truths and living in authentic ways to create the next generation of peace and nonviolent communication. Thank you for following my blog. I will link some of my favorite resources for peaceful parenting as well as the study about violence and heavy metals below. Have a beautiful day! <3 Sarah 

 

http://scholar.harvard.edu/files/jfeigenbaum/files/feigenbaum_muller_lead_crime.pdf

http://www.janetlansbury.com/

https://www.facebook.com/shonnielavendercoaching

http://www.ahaparenting.com/blog/Making_the_Transition_from_Conventional_to_Positive_Parenting

http://www.peacefulparent.com/the-peaceful-parenting-philosophy/

http://www.ahaparenting.com/blog/_punishment_shaming_children

https://www.romper.com/p/10-ways-youre-accidentally-shaming-your-toddler-50805

Thoughts On My Breastfeeding Journey With My Daughter

I’ve been doing deep spiritual soul work lately and my relationship with my daughter is at the forefront of my spiritual growth.  I’ve recently connected to my role as a mother as the most important role I can have in my life. There is nothing more important than raising a child.  As I have spent time looking elsewhere to fill my spiritual cup and learn the life lessons I need to pull myself through the unlearning process of all of the illusions I was convinced to believe growing up. My daughter has taught me more than any church, any god, any spiritual journey, any spiritual teacher or any plant medicine ever could.

 

I have recently been able to quickly put my daughter back to sleep by holding and cuddling her instead of nursing, she night weaned 9 months ago and I’ve had to sleep away from her in order to keep her from wanting to nurse in the night. Now I can sleep in bed with her again without nursing in the night. It is so beautiful.  She’s almost 3 years old and I look back on our nursing journey with a strong sense of gratitude. I was born and raised in the most conservative part of the country, was not around breastfeeding women, was raised to believe formula was normal, was also raised to think of breasts as sexualized objects and still here I am at nearly 3 years nursing my daughter.

Proudly at that! I don’t cover myself when I am out in public and I pull out my boobs whenever she wants to nurse in front of anyone. I don’t do it to make a statement. I do it to normalize it. I do it to show that for centuries women have pulled out their boobs and shown their skin to anyone around in order to feed their children, to connect with their children. I believe it is my responsibility to normalize and let anyone and everyone see me confidently nurse. This is the only way that we can create a culture of mamas who aren’t being shamed or feel uncomfortable for a normal biological function. No matter what part of the country we live in, breastfeeding is what babies need.

 

I started my own breastfeeding journey about 25 minutes after I birthed Maya. I wasn’t scared but I had so many strong feelings after her birth. I held her in my arms and knew that she would somehow find my darkened nipples and suck on them until she got the nourishment that she needed. I knew intuitively that I didn’t need to time her feedings or try to calculate how much she was eating. I trusted her that she would nurse enough to get exactly what she needed. And she did. All babies have this capacity when we leave them undisturbed to nurse and let the body adjust to the milk volume it needs for the baby. Within reason of course, there are some who need more support.

I knew long before I became pregnant with her that if I ever had a baby I would breastfeed, I didn’t see any other way. I had been on my journey to eating whole organic foods and knew that formula was completely out of the question. I would get donor milk. So after she was born I had a moment of fight or flight; my baby has to nurse or she is going to die, there is not other way. You have to little one.

It was a very intense feeling and I trusted her as I had trusted birth. I let her chose to nurse undisturbed. And she knew exactly what to do. It was the second most beautiful thing I had ever seen aside from her coming out of my vagina and into my arms. I am grateful for my undisturbed birth and undisturbed postpartum period and I am so grateful I didn’t have anyone breathing down my neck waiting for her to start nursing or telling me what I could or should do. Nope, I had none of that. It was purely intuitive, biological & spiritual bliss. We were all in a different universe. I took her upstairs and laid down with her in bed and nursed for days before we got up. It wasn’t easy, my nipples hurt so much and there was so much milk everywhere but it was perfect.

 

Fast forward to nearly 3 years and we have such a different and wonderful nursing experience. Once we got through the all night nursing sessions that would keep me awake and drive me to the edge of my own sanity I recovered and night weaned her. There were nights I thought I was dying from lack of sleep. I knew it was all part of my learning curve and with the right support I would make it through. We did of course and I learned so much by being pushed to that edge.  I’ve cried and cursed nursing…. I’ve been low and confused and felt really depleted. It’s normal. It doesn’t mean we have to stop, it means we have to reach out to our community for support.

 

I love nursing her now. When I am nursing Maya we melt into each other. We look deep into each other’s eyes, and we truly and deeply see each other. She sees me like no one has ever seen me before. Our profound connection brings me back to the present moment. Every time I gaze upon her I think she is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It’s moving. I like to run my fingers through her hair and hold her close. I know she feels close and safe. She looks at me when she is nursing as if to say that she is at home, that she feels peace.

We connect on many levels when she’s nursing, her little hands grab my hair or my other nipple. (which BTW is not my favorite thing in the world but I wasn’t able to break her habit early on so I get my nipple tweaked a few times a day) We even share dreams together when we sleep together sometimes. I have never felt my heart radiating love so much as I do when I lay down with her and connect.

Nursing is comforting for her when she is feeling big emotions; it helps her to regulate them. It is also comforting when she has physically hurt herself and needs support. She nurses to sleep in the comfort of my arms and the bed we share together and I know that I am supporting her emotional wellbeing by continuing our breastfeeding relationship. Breastfeeding is also really beneficial for the mama too, it lowers the risks of cancers, heart disease, diabetes……It’s really a powerful thing to be feeding your child with your body. Many times I have thought about weaning her altogether and then I’ll lay down with her and feel her sweet little heart and know that she isn’t ready yet. If she were she would let me know. I am following her lead and will wean when she is ready.

 

I am feeling so much right now, so much gratitude to all of my friends who have supported me through the challenges I have faced nursing. You know you are.  It’s been on my mind a lot lately because I have been so in awe of my own body, a body that I have had a tumultuous relationship with. I body I am growing to love so much after having my daughter. She has helped me see my own beauty and my own light. She has helped me to trust my intuition and to trust nature and most importantly to trust myself.

 

There is a lot of arguing in the media about breastfeeding. It’s so silly to me.  I wish we had more personal stories about relationships and journeys that women had been on rather than blaming and shaming each. I would have loved to have more personal accounts of women’s breastfeeding experiences.

 

I feel very fortunate to have grown up and not seen women breastfeeding and yet have such a strong breastfeeding relationship with my daughter. I hope that when my daughter is nursing her children it will be much more normalized than it is today.  I would love to see women carrying and nursing their babies out of the house and nursing in restaurants without covers. When we went to Central America last year I was surprised to see so many young mothers who were in their teens nursing with no shame on the bus, walking, eating, etc. I saw more women nursing in Nicaragua in one day than I ever have seen in the states.

 

If anyone is curious to hear more of my breastfeeding journey or if you need any support through yours please feel free to reach out and connect. We couldn’t make it in this world without each other, without our community.

 

Much Love,

 

Sarah

 

I have a few of my favorite links to breastfeeding below if you are interested in further reading.

 

http://kellymom.com/ages/older-infant/ebf-benefits/

 

https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/monkeyhead-freelance/katy-says/e/episode-72-breastfeeding-ecology-part-1-49198889

 

 

Sacred Spaces

Two years ago she came into my world. That was a moment in time that I will never forget, nor a time that I’d want to forget. It is a time that I will always look back and be grateful for my surrender and for my strength.

 

Birth is hard. Birth is a very difficult process for most of us….because it requires the most ultimate surrender. And some of us just can’t let go. We can’t allow ourselves to go into a space transcending time and place and be in the moment and in our body. In the moment when we need to surrender the most we are often holding on too tightly to something. Some idea, an emotion, a fear and then when a new sensation comes that we haven’t experienced there can be fear that builds up in us. We don’t know how to breathe through it, get through it, cry through it, scream through it….we’ve been so conditioned so much to tell ourselves that we can’t. We hear many negative birth messages in society all the time.  

I think that these messages makes it hard for us as women to be completely free. When we are surrounded by a society that doesn’t have kind words for us especially when we are demanding to be heard, demanding our freedom of choice in birth, and creating sacred space. You don’t see messages on TV that support women creating sacred space in birth. You see messages that remind us how hard it is and how we can’t do it without the help of modern technology.

 

So we have to surround ourselves with beautiful sisters. We need to surround ourselves with sisters who support us and help us to create confidence and love. So we read the stories of our sisters, the stories who went through exactly what we are going through. Birth.

 

We need to hear stories of our sisters, our mothers, our grandmothers, our elders, all the women who have birthed before us. We are all woven together as part of the same fiber. We all have the same memories and the same energetic connections and forces that hold us together. Some of us aren’t in touch with those senses anymore, though we are all born with that innate sense of our ancestors and then sometimes society depletes them, unless those senses nurtured lovingly.

 

I’m grateful for the criticisms that I received around my birth choices because they helped me become stronger. They helped me to find more courage and they helped me to remember my freedom. I get to choose, when and where and how I give birth to my children. It’s my choice to educate myself and I make all of the choices concerning my health and no one else can do that for me. Every time anyone suggested that I consider the birth center or told me that a homebirth would never work because nothing ever goes as planned, or the times people gave me advice for how to handle a C-section that would be inevitable because everyone gets C-sections these days.

 

I would empathize with everyone’s comment with a big smile in my heart and the deepest knowing that I have freedom. I am free to make my own choices and I am choosing not to have fear. I am choosing not to bring my child into the world through the lens of fear. This choice was liberating but letting go of fear in practice….much more difficult. It took daily reminders to keep myself from giving into my fears. Those same daily reminders helped to keep me from blindly fearing the unknown and helped me to realize that I was created to give birth to my child. It is an innate knowing deep within my soul, deep within my bones. I just wouldn’t experience it’s great power until the moment she was born.

 

I had a very difficult pregnancy both emotionally and physically. I learned a lot about ancestral movement and started to change the way I did everything to keep my body healthy. I stopped wearing any heels, I stopped sitting in chairs or in sofas, I sat on the floor, I started squatting several times a day, and on top of doing yoga I walked a lot! I definitely think I could have walked more and moved more but all and all I am very grateful for giving up furniture and all of the squatting that I did.

 

Birth is setting the stage for life. It is very important and while it is only a moment in time it has huge impacts on both mama and baby. I knew exactly what I wanted and how to be safe, I knew how I wanted to create a sacred and special space.

 

I’ve also learned to be authentic and not take what others think personally. I learned during my pregnancy to be careful of where I place my energy. And I became much more aware of those who take my energy and those who give me energy. I was very cautious about what I would read about pregnancy and birth. I quickly learned to see through the majority of BS birth information out there, whose only interest is to promote fear. I stayed the hell away from those articles and found a very sacred tribe who I could trust.

 

I had the birth planed so well. I learned so much about the physiology of birth. I learned about hormones. I watched birth video after birth video., censoring them to avoid the videos that showed a woman being violated. Which was really difficult as most of them show a violation and interference of some kind. Seeing the good as well as the bad helped me to shape my idea of what I did not want.

I planed this birth extensively. But yet in a lot of ways things didn’t go as planned. We didn’t find the house we would live in until less than a month before Maya was born. I didn’t have the birth pool that I ordered because it came late and Maya came early (this is the most serendipitous thing of all because by not giving birth in the pool I birthed her exactly in the way that I dreamt that I would years ago) I also didn’t have time to set up a camera for the birth because it all happened so fast and when I was in labor I didn’t care about anything except going inside myself and getting through.

 

In labor there was no intellectual thought. It was all feeling and all intuition. I connected deeply to my own inner wise woman. I was very prepared to get through a longHad my birth gone exactly as planned I would not have learned the lessons that I learned. It would have not been as serendipitous.

Instead of wishing things had been different I am really thankful I didn’t rent the pool from the local midwife, I am also really grateful that we waited to find the perfect house, and I’m grateful that the birth pool did not come in time and I gave birth in the small ceramic bathtub in our home, as I dreamt I would 5 years ago. I dreamt I would give birth alone to a beautiful and healthy baby by myself in a ceramic tub in a large Victorian house with beautiful tile and trim work. My dream played out in reality 5 years later in an unplanned serendipitous way.

 

The space that I gave birth to Maya in was beautiful and perfect. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that I would give birth in the bathroom. I had this set idea in my head that it would be upstairs in the birth pool and that would be the only way.

Had that happened I would not have experienced the joy and the beauty of that space like I did. I am so grateful for all of this. That space in the bathroom showed me that I could find beauty and perfection and love in any space. That I could have a SACRED experience in a space that I hadn’t planned for.

 

I felt everyone in that bathroom with me. I felt my mother, my grandmothers, my great grandmothers; I felt all of the women who have birthed before me. I had protection from the ancient cherry tree outside of the bathroom window, it’s branches hovering over the window as if arms were wrapping around me to hold and support me. I could feel Gaia, mother earth protecting me in that tub. The sun held that space for me shining through the window onto my naked skin. I could feel the water holding me gently and stroking my skin… nurturing me. I felt all of the spirits of those who have passed in my life in that room.

 

I’m not a very religious person but I met god that morning, I met the creator, I met source. She was with me and gave me the sense that I knew I was ok. I had no technical information to process as my partner held such a great space with me that I didn’t need to know anything. I had no idea what time it was, I felt that I transcended time and space and my only purpose in those moments was to surrender.

 

I could feel her every single movement. I am so grateful for the discomfort and the intensity and feeling every single part of her moving through me. I didn’t know how incredible it would feel to have this sensation. I had no judgments of anything during my labor. No worries of whether I peed or pooped or screamed or threw up in front of my partner. I surrendered. I let go and said, whatever will be will be.

 

I was a primal animal goddess. She came through me and I roared into the morning.

 

Instinctively I knew that everything was going to be ok. It took over an hour for her to move through and come into the world. Some would say that this is “too long”. But again, instinctively I knew that she needed this. Nothing felt wrong to me. She was born with the cord around her neck, a nuchal cord. Another story I have heard many times. I’ve heard stories of women rushing to surgery because of the cord. When the reality is that the cord is rarely an issue. As it was in her case. When we lifted her from the water I held in her my arms and was shaking so much. Shaking from the power of this experience. Shaking from the oxytocin surging moving through my body. I couldn’t move the cord. Ash moved it. We took a minute to welcome her. My heart expanded and filled with love and joy that I have never felt in my whole life.

 

That bathroom held such a special space for me and that’s the kind of space that I want her to know. I want her to know what it’s like to hold space for another, to have space held for her. I want her to feel that kind of love that I felt that morning in my bathroom. This space is so sacred to me and no one else can feel that. Those moments were for me, they were for Ash, and for our new baby. This space for me embodies the sacred. In our lives we create sacred space intentionally with altars and by smudging to release negative energy. I am grateful to be connected to holding space this way and grateful to share that connection with Maya.

 

I am grateful for knowing the plants, for knowing mama earth’s beauty and her medicine. I am grateful for the ancestral knowledge of medicine making with herbs and plant medicine and for my love of making my own medicine for myself and my family.

 

I am grateful for homeopathic medicine and my connection with it.

 

I am grateful for my path of questioning systems and finding my own way.

 

I am grateful to have had awful experiences with allopathic doctors and in hospitals, for this has shaped my need for sacred space and has shown me how this system fails to nurture and provide sacred space to anyone.

 

I am grateful for the questioning and the learning I have done that led me to this place where I am able to question the medical system in regards to birth. To ask why most of us follow these made up rules blindly that the medical system has in place when they do much more harm than good.

 

I am so grateful for my ancestral knowledge about food and movement.

 

I am grateful for my sisters all over the world who have supported me and loved me. Those sisters who told me I can do anything with my feminine power. My sisters from indie-birth who answered my questions and shared their stories, I have much love and gratitude for you. I have a deeper connection to sisterhood than I ever have. I understand now our tribal relationship. I understand now how we truly need each other and that it truly takes a village.

 

I am grateful for my connection to my ancestors. While modern society is telling us that we don’t have to listen to our intuition my heart hears my past. My heart knows that modern society’s way of birthing and raising children goes against history and biology.

 

I am grateful for all of the women who have birthed before me. For my mother, my grandmothers, my great grandmothers and their mothers.

 

I am grateful for the silence I had after Maya was born. If you sit alone in complete silence after you birth your baby without any other outside influence you will know exactly what to do. You will know the innate sense from within and the best way to listen is in silence. It’s about listening and stillness. Whenever I need answers I find my stillness with Maya. When I feel fear I go quiet and listen to myself and my child.

 

I am grateful for my knowledge. I am grateful to pass this on to my daughter and to other women. This is the true work of us wise women. Passing along our primal ancestral goddess knowledge to our sisters. Empowering each other. Holding each other in the light.

 

I want for myself and for everyone to get back to our roots. I wish for everyone to live more simply and with more joy and less fear and less stress.  With more love, and more compassion for each other, and more nature and more time barefoot and more spinach in our diets and less cereal. More time picking dandelions of course.

 

I am so grateful that Maya’s birth has changed me in so many ways. Surrender is the best learning tool. Only in discomfort can we truly change and know ourselves.

 

This space, this bathroom may be temporary. But I will always remember this space and the space it held for me that morning two years ago. I will always be forever grateful for every spirit who was with me that morning when I brought a new generation into the world. I can’t imagine not helping to serve other women so that they can do the same.

 

 

 

I was roaring

Thunderous moan into the morn

I was roaring

Surrendering as you were born

 

 

Love, Sarah

Importance of Our Partners in Birth : My birth story with a focus on my partner Ash

With the first anniversary of our daughter’s birth today and both the celebration of my becoming a mama and Ash becoming a papa, (True mothers and fathers day), I created a special version of my birth story. This version, while still the experience through my eyes, is much more focused on the role that my partner Ash played in the birth. Without his support and dedication to us during this time we would not have had the sacred and beautiful experience of bringing our child into the world.

Throughout my pregnancy and the journey that I made coming to the understanding that I wanted to have a freebirth, my partner Ash supported and trusted me completely. He trusted that I had the knowledge and skills needed to birth and he trusted that I was making this choice because I had a deep intuitive understanding that it was right for us. While we have had times of disconnection and disagreement we could very easily agree on one thing, a medicalized hospital birth was not in the cards for us. We have both had very negative experiences in allopathic settings and felt very sure that deep down we knew being in this system while experiencing the most sacred process of life did not feel right at all. We were aware that there are chances of complications arising and in that event felt comfortable reaching to that allopathic system for help. Thankfully hospitals exist for emergencies and times of need there is no doubt about that. Birth is not a medical event and my health did not require more supervision. We very consciously chose to stay home. We agree on many health choices and other important fundamental beliefs that can be really tough if two people want two very separate things. For this I am so thankful.

The night I went into labor I had sat in bed with him as we usually do, this night I felt less grumpy than most (typical of a very pregnant achy lady) and I showed him some photos of past travels. We talked and laughed and enjoyed a night together without too much complaining on my end of my back pains and inability to sleep. The glass of wine may have had something to do with that. I had told him that my mucus plug started to come out, but not to get too excited. It wasn’t a sign of eminent birth. We had studied indiebirth ( a group of women who empower women in birth that provide amazing education material) material together and the area that he found the most helpful was how the hormones afffect birth and how being disturbed in birth affects hormones. He listened to these talks over and over again. He was also very prepared as I was on emergency needs as well, he just found that there wasnj little common knowledge of the cocktail of hormones women experience for a healthy birth. Mama’s need to feel oxytocin and not fear in labor. We listened to some of those podcasts and then went to sleep, with our own happy cocktail of oxytocin flowing.

I woke up a couple hours later at midnight with cramping. I sleep naked so when I got up to go to the bathroom I didn’t realize I left a trail of blood. My plug, the mucus membrane came out completely. Now there was nothing left in between the outside world and the new baby except a water bag. How exciting! Ash came in and asked me if I was ok. I showed him the remnants and he cleaned up the blood trail I had made then we went back to bed. Having been connecting so closely that night that making love felt like the right thing to be doing in that moment. After a wonderful entanglement we slept. It was amazing, I slept like a baby for 3 -4 hours early in the night, something I hadn’t done in over a month. I woke to a dream of a train and felt that a train was moving through me. I dreamt labor was starting and woke to intense cramps and gripping pain. Ash spooned me for a little while and massaged my neck. The pain was too intense to sleep through. The cramps began to have rhythm. Sharp squeezing for a little while then release. I felt them low in my abdomen and wrapping all around my back. Back labor, even though my baby was face down (I knew her position through palpation and the fetuscope)

He held me for a little longer through a few more of these contractions before I started to feel sick. I got up to go to the toilet. I came back and laid in front of him, curled up in fetal position. He stroked my head and told me he was there for me. I looked up into his eyes, a few seconds later our baby jabbed me really hard and my amniotic sac broke. I got up immediately and let the water gush all over the floor. Then ran to the bathroom again with diarrhea. Ash came in to check on me, I asked him if the fluid was clear or if there was anything else there. He said it was clear, whew, relief. No meconium. At 38 1/2 weeks I figured she probably was not in any distress and was just ready to come out and meet us. I had checked her heart tones the night before and they sounded great.

Ash started the shower without asking me, he knew what I needed. He went to get the yoga ball and put it in the shower with me. I got in, laid over the ball and let the hot water soothe my achy back. He started to time the contractions. Half an hour after my water broke they were around 4 1/2 minutes apart and very intense. After 45 minutes in the shower they went to 3 minutes apart. He sat there with the door of the shower open watching me, witnessing me. Rubbing my back. Mostly he sat there in silence asking me how I was feeling. I told him the pain wasn’t like a contraction but a gripping sharp sensation that wrapped around my whole lower body. While I labored he told me I was doing great. When the hot water ran out I got upset and went back to the bedroom. I got on the bed in child’s pose and the sensations got even stronger. At this point almost an hour and a half after my water had broken I was already completely in my mind. I couldn’t think, couldn’t focus on anything other than getting through these contractions. Ash asked me questions and I told him I couldn’t talk anymore. I couldn’t communicate verbally when I was having them. He took my hand and we communicated through squeezing. He timed them but didn’t tell me how close they were every time. He would say, they are getting closer, you are doing great. Massage stopped feeling good to me and I asked him to give me space (not so eloquently, but there is not time in active labor to get your point across any way other than directly)

I moved to the floor to squat by the bed, all of the movements I did because they felt intuitive and I knew I needed to make them at the time. There was no rational part of my brain that was consciously thinking, I just felt into what my needs were. Ash stayed near me the entire time. He didn’t say he was sorry, he didn’t say he was concerned, he didn’t suggest that I do anything other than what my body was telling me to do. He witnessed me, trusted me, trusted birth and supported me by being completely present and grounded.

I started to cry because the realization that most first time moms are in labor for over 10 hours set in and I cried because I thought I was weak. I thought I was in early labor, I thought I couldn’t handle it. I cried and told Ash I couldn’t do it anymore. He knew that I could. He was watching me gripping the bed with every contraction moaning and crying out through them. He witnessed me saying that I wasn’t able and then a moment later watching this tough mama ride it out on my own. He had complete faith in me when I didn’t have it in myself. After a few of these he intuitively knew I needed to be in the water again, he went downstairs to start the tub. He made sure to use our water filter and have back up filtered water on the stove for when the water got cold.

I was squatting at the foot of the bed and started shaking and convulsing and felt incredibly flushed. Knowing that this is common I wasn’t scared. I still didn’t realize that I was near the end of labor and not the beginning. I held on through the pain and when the next contraction was over I went downstairs.

Ash had already created a sweet space in the bathroom with candles and incense and sage and palo santo and all of the special items I had kept on my altar. He was there to greet me in the bathroom and helped me into tub and kissed my forehead. He massaged my face and shoulders with a cool cloth every few minutes, nurturing me without words.

I got in and soaked my body up to my face. There was a wild cherry tree that looked over me through the window. The sun was just coming through and it was beautiful. I felt like the whole universe was there with me in the tub. Ash sat on the toilet next to the tub. He sat with me silently. He could tell very clearly when my contractions were happening and would time them without my knowledge. He didn’t share the time with me, as I had asked. He never once told me what time it was or how long I had been laboring. It was like being in this unconscious dreamland. I had no connection to anything conscious. I was in my head, but more in my body than I had ever been before. If you had asked me to speak in numbers and facts I couldn’t. I could barely speak the words of my sensations. They got even stronger with no break in between. One excruciating contraction after another. I pulled my hair, I cried, I cried out. And those things surprisingly felt really good. I said again that I couldn’t do this. Ash ignored me. I said it again.

He sat there and said, “Sarah, imagine the pain that you would be in if we got into the car and drove to the hospital right now. They would give you an epidural that you don’t want and you wouldn’t feel anything anymore. You would have to fight for everything that you want for the baby. Think of all the times you’ll have to say No. Fight to keep them from checking you, from cutting the cord too quickly, taking the baby away to bathe and weigh them. Fight for skin to skin. It wouldn’t be the peaceful birth that you wanted. You are doing so well and your contractions are right on top of each other, and you are handling them amazingly. I have no idea what it feels like for you but I know that you will get through this. You are getting through this. I’m watching you getting through. How about in an hour if you still feel this way we’ll talk again.”

I said ok and then surrendered. I knew that I wasn’t getting out of the tub and I knew that going to the hospital for the mere purpose of pain relief would ultimately cause much more pain and trauma. So I surrendered. And I had a partner who believed in me when I was giving up. I sunk back into the water and held on through every contraction and let go of all of my doubts and fears. I closed my eyes and let them come over me. Within 20 minutes those contractions were gone and my baby started moving out.

At this point I had been in active labor for 3 hours then the baby started moving through my body. I felt the sensations of pooping and pressure. I knew exactly what was happening. I could feel every millimeter of her coming through my body. The contractions were different, less painful, more intense. I wasn’t scared of them. I didn’t think I would split in half. I felt through them and enjoyed the feelings. And they came without my effort. I was experiencing the fetal ejection reflex. My body was doing all of the work and I wasn’t pushing. With every contraction I felt her getting closer and closer. I held onto the tub and roared like an animal, it felt so incredible to make noise and feel everything.

Ash was right there smiling. He knew I was going to be alright. He lit candles and then called our girlfriend (I decided to not have her be there, being alone felt more right).

He made sure that our guests knew that I needed space and arranged for them to stay with our friend. He brought me water, made me a shake, made herbal teas, and got the tinctures I had prepared ready. He lit sage and made the space feel very safe. Though I wasn’t conscious of it at the time, deep down my body knew it was a safe environment to bring a baby into.

I was able to change positions, so I had my head on his lap while he sat on the toilet. When the baby started to move out I held on to the tub and keep roaring. After half an hour I decided to check myself again and I felt her head. Half an hour of more primal cries and concentrated deep breathing and her head was out. Ash was beside me with words of encouragement. She kicked from the inside, and in another contraction she was out. We both lifted her from the water and laid her in my arms. Her umbilical cord was wrapped loosely around her neck and though she wasn’t breathing yet her eyes were wide open staring up at us for the first time. Ash moved the cord from her neck and then within seconds she took her first breath. The breath she will take every secondafter for the rest of her life. Holding her and witnessing this moment of pure magic with Ash was the most incredible and miraculous thing I’ve ever experienced.

The next few moments I turned her over to help the fluid drain from her and to help her sustain her breaths. I was so focused on her getting air and skin to skin contact I forgot to check the gender. I assumed it was a boy as she had been in so many of my dreams. So having a girl in our arms was such a surprise! She was so bright-eyed and vocal. She nursed quickly and held on to me while I held her close. Ash brought me water, a protein shake, and the various tinctures I had prepared. He sterilized fishing line and our special obsidian blade that he used to cut her cord an hour later. He sterilized a bowl for the placenta as well and once that was passed he spent the afternoon processing it. Our good friend Jessica came not long after Maya was born to help me upstairs into bed. Ash brought the baby to me and we laid in bed naked for days, skin to skin.

I felt so loved and cared for that not once during the birth did I feel that my partner was not on my side, that he was nervous or doubtful (though when he saw maya’s head come out underwater with the cord around it he had a silent moment of fear). He did not once imply that I was not capable or not strong enough. Our space was full of love and support. Baby Maya knew she was born into love, and aside from the pain of birth, she had no other trauma. We spent days nursing, learning each other, bonding, sleeping, loving. Not once were we separated. I felt like a warrior mama goddess, and in my times of self-doubt, Ash reminds me of my strength. Nothing can ever replace the connection I share with him through that experience. It was perfect.

  

Sleep Training is BS

I may have discovered a secret to the universe of sleeping babies. No it’s not a technique, or a magic pill, or a training schedule. It’s much simpler. Have no expectations and be in the present moment. Surrender to them. Thats right, let them decide when, how and if they want to nap and go to sleep, live your life and have them fit into it and get them out of the house! Babies need to feel a sense of community! 

 

For a few weeks Maya my 8.5 month old daughter has been having quite a hard time sleeping. I’ve been calling her my sleep nemesis. She keeps me up at all hours and won’t sleep when I want her to, turning me into a very grumpy mama. I feel like we struggle together for sleep. I’ll be in the middle of eating dinner and she’ll get grumpy, I take her to bed, to then discover that she just needs a little booby snack. Seriously, 5 minutes later, she is high energy, crawling around all over the place. How can this be? I feel defeated and annoyed. I spent all of this time, gave up my dinner, took time away from an adult conversation, created a peaceful environment and my baby still doesn’t want to go to sleep. There must be apocalyptic doom on the horizon. WTF is the matter with her??? Go to sleep! The sleep books say that babies 8-12 months need 15 hours of sleep a day, including naps right? And that scheduling when they sleep will make my life easier? Hell No! I could create a time on my calendar and no matter how much booby I gave her, there is nothing that is going to tame that wild child.

 

Most advice is not in the least bit helpful, and it’s really starting to piss me off, reading articles written by sleep experts. The articles I read say things like Your baby just wants to be cuddled all day long. Really.....?? if she did then she wouldn’t be screaming while she’s in a cozy wrap snuggled up to my warm body.

She really just wants to crawl around the house and put very dangerous objects in her mouth. I know this not because I read it somewhere, but because I’ve witness it everyday. When did the articles with parenting advice take on more of an important role than our own experience and intuition?

Some nights she’ll want to nurse every single hour. While I’m ok with that and can easily sleep through nighttime nursing, what I can’t take is when she kicks my belly and rolls around distracted.   And when she’s done, if I dare move the boob away from her or decide I need to roll over, guess who's up screaming for me to come back. Then boob back in her mouth to get her to sleep all over again.

Yesterday morning I got up, exhausted, confused and upset that I have no idea when she’ll take a nap today, if she’ll take one or what time and how well she will sleep at night. I wake up and the first thing I do is stress about about the fear of another day without sleep.

I’ve been thinking about this issue non stop, how do I get her to sleep better and more peacefully? What am I doing wrong? Some days she sleeps great so there must be something to it.

Yesterday was a big day, we went to the farmers market, went shopping for the groceries at the brighter day, saw a lot of friends and then came home to do some cleaning and food preparing for a friends birthday party. Then around 5:30 pm we all went out to a wine party at our friend Jessica’s and an hour and a half later at 7pm we headed over to another friends place for oysters! We stayed out until 11pm before heading home. Bringing Maya along felt so natural. We had a great time and felt comfortable relaxing, having a few glasses of wine, and spending time with our friends that we haven’t seen in a while.

What happened over the next 24 hours was so f’ing incredible, it almost brought me to tears talking about it tonight. When we got home, I put Maya in bed and she went straight to sleep. She slept until 3 am and nursed, calmly for about half an hour. I even slept through it! Then she went back to sleep and didn’t get up again to nurse until 5! I got up early this morning to put some food together for Ash’s trip to Virginia. Came back to bed after he left and nursed. Then it all got even more amazing. Maya slept in until 8:30. That means that I got to sleep until 8:30!

 

I got up nursed her again, we got dressed, went to the kitchen where Maya played while I cooked breakfast! I was able to make breakfast without having to hold her, she was so chill. Then I this morning I let her play on her own time and nurse and be held when she wanted to and then fall asleep on her own. She took a nap at 11:30 for an hour! Playful this afternoon and took another hour long nap this eve when I went to yoga, my friend who watched her said she slept most of the time I was gone. As I write this she is in bed in the next room......sleeping. No joke, she is asleep. I’m sipping wine reflecting back on how this can all be happening? How??

Then I started to think about all of the other days that she sleeps well and what they had in common with yesterday. It dawns on me, the days that she sleeps well (regardless of teething, growth spurts, noise) these common things occur:

  1. We spend a considerable amount of time outside of the house. Grocery shopping, visiting friends, walking in the park, going to the post, thrift shopping, working ion the garden etc. She needs to get out of the house and be exposed to new environmentsand to explore new places. I can tell that she gets easily bored of the being in the same environment.
  2. We spend time around other people, around new energy. Just like us grown ups, we need silly interactions, kid interactions, adult conversations, conversations with men and women. She seems to connect easily with others, and has since she was born. I think it is very important for her to see many different people in their own elements. Different looks, hair styles, personalities.
  3. When we are with those other people they are holding her and interacting with her, not just watching me with her. Kids need community more than they need the nuclear family. I think that Maya gets tired of the dynamic of it just being Ash and I around her all the time. She needs new dynamics with new people, babies, adults, men, women, boys and girls! We all do. We spend so much time in our small cozy nuclear family and shut the rest of the world out. We just can’t thrive without other connections. I am sure it feels really special to her when she has people other than mama and papa who make her laugh, hold her, talk to her, play games with her, etc.
  4. I don’t stop what I’m doing to get her a nap. She takes naps around my schedule , whether it’s in the carseat, in the wrap on my back, walking through the market, holding her while chatting with friends. Her naps don’t happen at the same time everyday and I’ve been fighting her about that, why doesn’t she want to nap every morning at 10 am?? I’ve had these expectations that aren’t being met because they are silly and unrealistic. They are what is causing me the suffering, not that Maya doesn’t nap everyday. It’s because everyday is different, so why should my parenting be so regimented?
  5. I don’t stop what I am doing to put her to bed. If I’m having wine with friends and she wants to sleep, she’ll nurse and fall asleep in my arms while I am conversing and hanging out. Why do I need to take her to bed to “put” her to sleep? Why not just wait for her to fall asleep and either put her in bed if I’m home or hold her when I’m out? This realization will save me so much trouble. It’s the times that I try to force to to sleep under my terms that I get upset when she doesn’t. Babies need consistency but they also need to know that we know them and know what they need as their needs change.

When she was first born her sleeping habits were much better than they are now. And the more I think about it the more I realize that my expectations then were a lot different than they are now. She was born during the summer so we were out much more, at the beach, visiting friends, traveling. I really think that the hard ship has come from being indoors so much and staying home. It wasn't alway like this, and it doesn't have to be. We just need to be much more proactive about changing her scenery more often.

There is no formula for sleep, every baby has different needs that each family has to discover on their own. Babies are more recently born into nuclear situations and not into big communities. We all need many connections to thrive and feel heard and loved. We need a large experience of our world, not just to be isolated in the captivity of a “modern family.” I bet that the times when her sleep is erratic and not peaceful are the days when she feels stir crazy and under stimulated.

Once I stop expecting her to sleep or be a certain way then I can fully see her and appreciate her and her needs in the moment.

“The mind spends most of the time lost in fantasies and illusions, reliving pleasant or unpleasant experiences and anticipating the future with eagerness or fear. While lost in such cravings or aversions, we are unaware of what is happening now, what we are doing now.” S.N Goenka

Anicca - Impermanent

Much Love,

Sarah

P.S. Another trick that I learned recently. Maya will play by herself for 45 minutes inside of the fridge. I bring her in the kitchen, open the fridge and let her play. This gave me time to cook, clean, sweep! Amazing!

 

P.S.S It's been a year since I wrote this and we still have challenges. the same principles apply.....surrender and recognize. She is needing some extra love when she's having trouble. And thats what I am here for as her mama. 

 

The Naming of Da Baby

 

She has been named. July 23rd, 2014.

Our name is our identity, and is carried with us throughout our lives. It connects us with our heritage and our family, the experience of our birth and place, and the magic of our being. For centuries, humans have been named based on family lineage, religion, cultural background and the symbolism surrounding each individual before, during and after birth. Considering all of this, we let her story speak to us and ultimately through her name. We hope she grows to appreciate this connection when her name is spoken by her and others.

We are so blessed to have her.

Maya Maizie Tuck Aymond

June 12th 9:20 am,  7.7 lbs, 21 in

Maya: Water - She came to me in a dream twice and told me that she would be born in water, so I had strong feelings that we would share a connection with the water. When she has returned to the water since birth, she transforms into the image of an aware and calm little buddha.

Maya is also the name for the Gautama Buddha's mother. Ash and I spent 10 days in a silent meditation retreat learning the art of Vipassana: a form of meditation discovered by the Gautama Buddha. An experience that has forever changed us, we learned how having deep compassion for others and ourselves can help us from holding on to negative emotions. It was also the first time that I felt her move inside of me. I was 20 weeks along. It was very challenging, but helped us to release our pain bodies to be more fully present as parents and partners. Maya's ingenuity permits and inspires one to release themselves from the illusion of permanence, embrace the moment, and glimpse the possibility of enlightenment.

Maya also means "earth mother". When she was one week old, we introduced her to the power of the beach and the ocean, and have returned there every week since. When she cries, just going outside immediately calms her. Rocking her in the hammock on our balcony with the cicadas and birds chirping is her favorite!

Maizie: Pearl - the oldest known gem and also her birthstone for the month of June. In ancient Arabic and Persian mythology, oysters would go to the surface of the ocean to get a glimpse of the moon, and swallow dewdrops that would transform into pearls. Maya is a child of the moon, conceived by the moon, symbolizing the moon and all of it's powers. She was born the morning of a very powerful strawberry moon, one that we will not see again in our lifetime!

Before she was conceived, I had two dreams that I would give birth to her in a ceramic tub in a big Victorian house. But the plan was to give birth in a more comfortable birthing pool that I had ordered on-line. Moved by the moon's power, she came ten days before expected. The pool hadn't arrived yet, so she was born as I had dreamt it.

A name of the water and moon. We welcome her with love:

Maya Maizie Tuck Aymond, our little Dhamma Baby.

 

Much Love and Blessings,

Sarah

 

 



 

 

The Freebirth of Maya Maizie

June 12th, 2014 9:20 am 38 + 4

My birth experience was not like anything I was expecting. My sensations were unlike anything I was imagining based on years of birth stories, months of taking online courses and connecting to strong women. I was expecting to go through all the stages of labor. That early labor would feel like stronger braxton hicks (which I never felt) and I would cycle through the stages until intense transition and pressure of the baby coming down for birth. I expected light waves of discomfort through my belly, contractions from fundus all the way down, and contractions that would periodically get stronger and stronger until our babe was ready. Instead, I woke up at 5am in intense transition, shaking....unable to communicate...intense period like cramps that clamped down on my body and left me unable to find comfort.....and almost 4.5 hours later our daughter was born into my arms and the arms of her papa, my amazing partner Ash.

Most women talk about how long they were in labor, from the beginning of the real contractions to baby coming out in to the world. The more and more I think about how long I was in labor the more I have come to realize that it doesn’t matter. I could probably say that it started the afternoon before, but honestly who's counting, I don't need to figure it out. I chose to surrender to the mantra As It Is, not as I want it to be or as it was for another woman but as it is for me. My body did exactly what it was designed to do in it’s own way and not as any other woman. Once I surrendered to this understanding and stopped comparing myself to other experiences I felt a sense of pure freedom surge through my body.

The afternoon before June 12th I was cleaning our house for our German guest that were arriving that afternoon. I began to feel really intense cervical pressure, I call them cervix punches since they felt like the baby was poking at my cervix in attempt to escape. (Her head was low and engaged for weeks, I could feel her inside of my yoni when I would check) My back was also really tense and achy, I could barely walk up the stairs to take a nap. I wasn’t really concerned about these sensations since I have felt them before for many weeks and felt back pain for months. I took some magnesium and slept through the pains. When I woke up and went to the bathroom I noticed blood. It was fleshy and pink. I knew immediately that my plug was coming loose. I got excited. Then I thought of a friend of mine who recently mentioned that her sister lost her plug and still hadn’t gone into labor weeks later. I was certain that the baby would be later than my due date, June 22nd.

I meditated and reminded myself to relax and not to have expectations, "as it is" I kept saying. Stay in the moment and relax. Everything that will happen will be perfect. I told my partner and then went out to dinner with my mom who was in town for the night. Thai food craving, I gave into pad thai and a sweet coconut milk drink. Still having mild cramps and back pain. I returned home, met our guests from Germany and enjoyed a glass of wine on the porch with them. The man told me that he was really excited for us to be having a home birth and amazed that my partner Ash would be there with me the whole time. “I couldn’t watch my children’s births, it made me queasy.” “Ash is a great man!” He explained with his thick Berlin accent. "You will have a great experience." I laughed and said not for a few more weeks with a smile.

I went to bed and we cuddled and talked for an hour or so. Still feeling achy he gave me a back massage as he did most nights. We went to sleep and I woke up with a sharp cramp and the urge to pee. I hurried naked to the bathroom in the dark. I heard a loud splash in the toilet water and looked down to find the mucus plug and blood. Wow I thought, there it goes. We cleaned up the trail of blood I left and I went back to bed. I had to keep reminding myself to relax and not get too excited, the baby was still weeks away. We cuddled more and made love and fell asleep together.
I had this intense dream about missing a train to Paris because I was going into labor. I stood on the platform and felt the intensity of labor while the trains heaviness moved it towards it’s destination.

I immediately woke up around 4:30 with intense cramps and back pain unlike what i felt before. I laid in bed telling Ash that I couldn’t sleep through this and that it felt like something was squeezing me around my lower abdomen. He massaged me but it wasn’t helping me get through. The intensity of the squeeze would hit me and I couldn’t think or relax. I got up and tried to walk around to feel more into this sensation. Every time it came, which felt like only minutes in between it became more and more intense. I laid back down hoping cuddling and breathing would help me through. We laid facing each other and while looking in his eyes, I felt an hard punch and more cramps. I think the baby hit me so hard she broke my water. It broke with a even more intense cramp. I got up and let it all out on the floor. Then diarrhea came on strong and I rushed to the bathroom. I was shaking and nauseous. I kept thinking if this is early labor there is no way I can do this for 20 + hours. I was imagining that since this was my first it would last a while. The contractions didn’t feel like contractions, they felt like intense squeezing of my lower abdomen with sharp pains.

I got in the shower and leaned over my yoga ball letting the hot water hit my back. The contractions were intense and lasted about 30-45 seconds each. They seemed to be coming quickly and when Ash was timing them he found that in a span of 45 minutes that I was in the shower they went from 5-3.5 minutes apart. I was out of my thinking mind and completely in my feeling body. I was irritated and restless, nothing I did helped the discomfort. Ash stood on the other side of the glass giving me loving empathetic vibes. Everytime one would hit I would go inward and hold my breath. I felt that I was past the point of meditation or breath work for the intensity I was experiencing. The only thing i could focus on was getting through those intense sensations.


I got out of the shower when the water went cold and laid on the bed. I would make a fist when the contraction would hit and then breath when it was over to signal to Ash. Talking and logical thinking was not in the realm of consciousness for me. I was an animal, in my body to the fullest extent, moaning, primal....it was something of the animal and spirit world combined. Ash was by my side the whole time holding space, keeping me grounded, sending positive love without coaching or smothering me. His presence was perfect.


I got on the floor because I felt I needed to hug the bed. There were no waves, no feeling of my uterus rolling and contracting. It was an intense squeeze. Sharp, paralyzing, it hurt to move. So intense at this point, that the only thing that helped was holding my breath. I was on the floor shaking, feeling flushed, nauseous....I got scared and started to cry. I told Ash out of breath that I couldn’t do this if they were going to feel this way for another 20 hours! I said if this is early labor then I can’t do it.He said nothing. He wasn’t ignoring me, just witnessing me and holding a space that I could be myself in, that I could go through what I had to. He held my hand and I told him that I needed to be in the water. Intuitively he knew this and had already started the bath downstairs. The birth pool that we ordered had not yet arrived in the mail.
We had the bathroom downstairs for our guests so he told them that I wasn’t feeling good and having bad cramps and needed the bath. Not wanting them to be worried by telling them I was in labor.
None of this I knew at the time, I was doing no thinking from my left brain what so ever.
I got into the tub and submerged myself into the water so that only my face was above the water. With every contraction I held the sides of the tub and my breath. Wondering how long this would go on. Surrendering to knowing i was bringing my child into the world. I let go of the notion that my labor would be like any other I had read stories about and just let the water take over my body. With every contraction I felt the water over me and felt safe. I stopped thinking about the length of contractions and stopped wanting to ask Ash what time it was. It felt like half a day had passed. (Not knowing the time was really liberating. It felt like half a day had passed and I had no expectations or need to know the time) I laid there and went through 10 or so. Ash came in and out of the space, it was bright early morning. Natural sunlight was coming into the bathroom. I was watching the cherry tree outside through the frosted window above the tub.


He came in and filled the tub with hot water and put cold compresses on my head and shoulders. Again I had a moment where I didn’t think I could make it. I told him, I can't do this as I was surrendering in the water. I was moving around the water finding comfort, I had cramps between the intense cramps and it felt like they were hitting me like a train with no stopping. He timed them without my knowledge and I found out later they were 2 minutes apart. He sat there with me and the oxytocin was flowing heavy in this loving space, he didn’t respond to my worries he just sat there and knew that I was going to be alright. As I was saying I can’t I WAS!


Then she started moving down, this feeling was like throwing up but down and pooping. I got through the sensation by grunting and moaning. The more I felt into and resigned to this sensation I realized this is the baby coming through my cervix and getting closer to the world. (This being my first birth experience I was feeling sensations I had never before felt) I went through about 10 of these sensations of pressure, didn’t push or use any extra force. I even tried to at one point to push and my body wouldn’t let me. My body took over and the bearing down came from my body's natural sense not from me trying to do it. I had no control, it felt like the fetal ejection reflex.

I put my hand between my legs and felt her head, she had already come through my cervix. I was in disbelief that it was happening so quickly. About half an hour of the bearing down sensation and there she was! About 8 more of these sensations and breathing and guiding my body not to give into the urge to push or move her too fast and her head was in the water! Cord around her neck once. Ash and I put our hands on her head leaving her submerged. One more contraction and she started to move out a bit and then retract, she kicked me inside and stimulated another contraction immediately, I felt her shoulders turn as she slid out into our hands. I held her while Ash removed the cord. She came out cooing and coughing. Eyes wide open staring up at us. Head full of hair and body covered in vernix, she was amazing and she smelled amazing.

I laid back on the tub and held her close to my body, we tilted her to drain fluids to help her breathe. We didn’t even look at the sex for what felt like 10 minutes because we assumed she was a boy after all of the feelings and dreams I have had. She started nursing and I felt my uterus contracting immediately. It was completely undisturbed and free but not unassisted in any way. It was perfect. Ash held such a deep sweet and safe space for us to labor and bring our daughter into the world.

I had several large clots, and passed my placenta 45 minutes later, the most amazing feeling of relief! I took motherwort and cotton root bark tincture because I felt that there was some excess bleeding, which was probably just normal for me but I wanted to take the precautions anyway. We waited an hour and a half to cut the cord, when it stopped pulsing and used a piece of sharp obsidian stone to cut it with .

It was the most perfect primordial experience that we have ever had. We are blessed to have gone on this journey together to bring our daughter into the world undisturbed and without intervention. To give birth as nature intended women to do on a full honey moon that none of us will ever see again in our lifetime. It is the greatest gift.

As for the Germans. They heard the whole thing and were giving Ash hugs when he would go out to bring me food and water. I never saw them and even though I knew they were there subconsciously I felt safe. The space was sacred and when I woke up I was already so far along in the birth experience that I didn't have the thought process to worry. Ash held it down for us to feel safe, so much so that our daughter feels immediately grounded with him when he touches her.

To my love Maya.

 

Vipassana

February 2014

“Oh! You’re having Dhamma baby, how exciting! Remind me to tell you about my friends Dhamma baby after noble silence is over.” said the beautiful kind and generous female course manager at Vipassana registration.

 

I walked into the registration hall after parting ways with my partner to embark on a 10 day silent meditation sit at The Southeast Vipassana Center in Jesup, GA. This will be my first sit and my partners as well. For 10 days I sat in noble silence and meditated for about 11 hours a day, five months pregnant with my first child. Yes I’m pregnant!

 

4:30 wake up...meditate

6:30 breakfast

8 meditate

9:30 meditate with the group

11 lunch

1 meditate

2:30 meditate with the group

3:30 meditate

5 light snack of fruit

6 meditate with group

7 dhamma discourse

8:30 meditate some more!

 

I was in bed every night at 9:30 and rightly so as there really wasn’t anything else to do and we were waking up at 4 in the morning. It was intense, not the silent part so much but sitting IN YOUR HEAD ALL DAY EVERY DAY took a serious toll on my emotions. Then the physical sitting with a pregnant belly, and sore back. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done but also the most rewarding.

 

For those of you who don’t know Vipasssana is to see things as they really are, is one of India's most ancient techniques of meditation. It was rediscovered by Gotama Buddha more than 2500 years ago and was taught by him as a universal remedy for universal ills, i.e., an Art Of Living.

This non-sectarian technique aims for the total eradication of mental impurities and the resultant highest happiness of full liberation through therelease of “sankaras” negative energies that arise that cause suffering when we either cling too much to something to have deep aversions. Healing, not merely the curing of diseases, but the essential healing of human suffering, is its purpose.

Vipassana is a way of self-transformation through self-observation. It focuses on the deep interconnection between mind and body, which can be experienced directly by disciplined attention to the physical sensations (sankaras) that form the life of the body, and that continuously interconnect and condition the life of the mind. It is this observation-based, self-exploratory journey to the common root of mind and body that dissolves mental impurity, resulting in a balanced mind full of love and compassion.

The scientific laws that operate one's thoughts, feelings, judgements and sensations become clear. Through direct experience, the nature of how one grows or regresses, how one produces suffering or frees oneself from suffering is understood. Life becomes characterized by increased awareness, non-delusion, self-control and peace.

I went to the course having as little expectation as I could. The only thing I was hoping for was transformation out of some of my patterns that cause suffering. Since becoming pregnant,  I have found that there are many new feelings are coming up for me. Feelings about my family, my childhood, my relationship to men, my old 14 year old girl habits of jealousy, passive aggressiveness, anger......all began to resurface. Feelings ranging from my resentments of my grandfather for the way I grew up watching him treat my grandmother badly to jealousy that I haven’t felt since I was with my first boyfriend in high school came back up. I had prided myself as someone who has done deep inner work to move through these emotions. It’s true what they say about having children, they bring out all of the cracks. So you better go through them a few times to make sure that you have them glued together with strength. In the past few months as I have had these feelings come up I have noticed a strong attachment towards them. I would get down on myself that they were coming back up or angry again as if it was happening for the first time. Practicing Vipassana changed all of this for me. I learned through dealing with the sensations in my body, through direct experience that NOTHING is permanent. I learned how to not develop aversion or attachment towards my feelings. Then the biggest lesson of all was compassion. Compassion for myself, for my past choices, for my family, for anyone who has ever wronged me, for my place in this life at this moment. And everything felt blissful. Just being felt like pure bliss.

The course manager came to me when we broke silence to explain what she meant by Dhamma baby. Dhamma means the law of nature. She explained to me that a friend of hers did her first 10 day sit when she was pregnant and 9 years later every time she says that it is time to meditate her daughter becomes quiet and sits. I have noticed that every time I sit to meditate at home since leaving the course, if the baby is kicking and moving around the little one will stop. And stay still during the meditation.

While sitting for such a long period of time in my head was such a challenge I am incredible proud and thankful for myself to have seen it through. I strongly encourage everyone to give this practice a try. Life will not be the same again.

Much Love & Metta,

Sarah